 Photo Credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/46161964922276194/ This week marks the high school graduation of my oldest son Eli. For my wife, Neila, and I, this is a first. Many of you reading this, may have already gone through this experience with one or more of your children. For other parents, the time is yet to come. There is no script for us to access that tells us how to feel or what to say in this moment. There is only deep reflection and some regret. Personally, when I reflect back on the past 18 years, as much as I know in my heart I did a good job as a parent, could I have done more as a father? I sometimes regret not spending more time just listening to Eli and truly hearing him. Being a parent is tough. We can oftentimes give into our own needs first rather than just be there for our kids. After a long day of work, it’s easy to want to turn off. In fact, it’s human to feel this. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t regret certain times when I look back. Could I have provided more emotional presence for Eli at times? Could I have better listened to his perspective, even when I disagreed? Could I have just listened more instead of trying to fix his problems? Did I do enough to help prepare Eli to face the world as an adult? Did I….Could I have…….I wish I would have………. In looking back, it is what it is and I can’t change anything now. But as I scan the past, I know the good far outweighs the not-so-good and ungraceful moments that come with being a parent. The truth is I think Neila and I did a pretty decent job, but it’s human instinct to want to have done better. Our only wish in moving forward is that Eli embraces the world, his talents, and his dreams. It is now time to surrender trust to him to find his own process to navigate the world. As well, we have to trust in the physical, emotional, social, spiritual, and mental skills that he has acquired over the years. For it is these tools that will help him to thrive and to find authentic purpose in his life. In reality though, it’s not really a good bye, but more so a shift in perspective. And an amazing opportunity to look through a different lens at our parenting. As well-known author Daniel Pink states: “Regret makes us human. Regret makes us better.” Do we regret certain things? Of course we do. But, we are also so proud of the young man Eli Kent Vasily has become. And, as he ventures off into the world, we wish him only peace, happiness, fulfillment, joy, and deep learning. We look forward to seeing him pursue his dreams. As you think about your own children, what comes to mind when you see the questions below? How do you deal with regret as a parent? What have you learned? How do you continue to learn to be the best parent you can be? And lastly, how do you ensure full presence in your life? Rather than ruminating about what could have been with your children or projecting forward to what might be, how are you accessing the present moment to be the very best parent you can be? Thanks for reading.
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 How often do you take the chance to connect with people outside your normal circle of relationships? For some people, it's not easy, as doing so requires taking risk and stretching themselves outside their comfort zone.
From an evolutionary perspective, we are tribe-seeking creatures of habit that need a sense of security and safety. This can be one of the biggest obstacles to opening ourselves up to new relationships in life. What might we be missing out on by not taking the risk to extend ourselves to people outside of our own social network? What true friendships might be missed? What amazing talent never seen? What deep connections might never come to be? What inspiration might we never gain? What beauty might we never experience? As renowned psychologist, Dr. Carl Rogers, says: "People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be." But, to see all that's possible, we need to let them in first, otherwise it might never happen. Thanks for reading.  What do young people need more from adults in their life? As adults, are we doing a good enough job providing these things? Young people need:
To be seen To be valued To be heard To be accepted To be cared for To feel safe To feel loved To feel that they matter To feel a sense of purpose To have important mentors To have emotional regulation modeled to them by important adults in their life To have a safe space to express their emotions To have boundaries placed on them To know it’s OK to be angry To know that anger doesn’t last forever To know that it’s not OK to hurt others To know that the words they use with others matters To know that they are not alone in their hurt To know that everyone is lonely at times To know that, despite the chaos and disconnect in the world, it is still a beautiful place To know that surrounding themselves with the right people matters To know that their contribution to the world matters To know they have an important voice To know that their actions can change another person’s life for better or worse The list could go on and on, but in the wake of the Uvalde, Texas massacre, I can’t help but think we are failing the youth of today. Can we do better? I cannot imagine the enormous pain and grief the families of the victims are going through at this moment. To the countless teachers, coaches, and other adults who have devoted themselves to providing the conditions described above, keep doing what you are doing. The world needs you more than ever. To all the victims of the senseless, brutal, and tragic shooting in Texas, may you rest in peace and never be forgotten.  Photo Credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/137289488850499321/ Over the past decade, the field of social neuroscience has revealed, through research, that the need for humans to connect with other people plays a much more significant role than originally thought.
As renowned social psychologist, Dr. Matthew Lieberman, states, “Our need to connect with other people is even more fundamental and more basic than our need for food or shelter.” In his book Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, Lieberman asserts that the human brain uses the bulk of its spare time to learn about the social world — other people and our relation to them. He states that if it takes 10000 hours to master a skill, each of us has spent at least 10000 hours learning to make sense of people and groups by the time we are 10 years old. There is no doubt that we all need to feel a sense of connection and belonging in our lives, both personally and professionally. Regardless of our personality type, we all seek connection and contact with others. The three personality types can be found below. Extrovert: energized by socializing in larger groups of people, having many friends Ambivert: a person who feels equally fulfilled whether they're out in a crowd or at home alone reading a book Introvert: feel more comfortable focusing on their inner thoughts and ideas, rather than what's happening externally. They enjoy spending time with just one or two people, rather than large groups or crowds. Calibrating Your Dose Accordingly Whether you are an introvert, ambivert, or extrovert, it’s through connection with others that you either gain energy or have energy sapped from you. If you were to think about the people you surround yourself with, how might this apply to you? Do the people you choose to spend time with provide you with positive, uplifting energy or do these interactions sap you of your energy? According to the social neuroscience research, it is important to continually assess the relationships we have in our lives in order to learn how to best navigate these connections. Who we choose to spend our time with matters, as it impacts the amount of energy we receive through these interactions. By deliberately calibrating how much time we spend with them, we have the opportunity to take more control of our own social and emotion well-being. Over the next week, try to bring more self-awareness to the relationships that you have in your life. No need to change anything at all. Just endeavor to spend a bit more time reflecting on the daily interactions in your life. Assess the amount of time you are spending with others, who you are spending time with, and the type of energy you receive from those interactions. Do these interactions lift you up and provide you with a sense of positive energy? Do they leave you feeling that you matter? Are these interactions reciprocal in nature? And lastly, knowing your own personality type, what is the right amount of time to spend with these people? It’s not always possible to control who you spend time with and for how long. However, as a general rule of thumb, knowing your personality type and consistently calibrating the amount of time spent with people who buoy you up is a very important step toward feeling a deeper sense of fulfillment and well-being in your life. Thanks for reading.  I've never come across truer words in my life. This poem accurately sums up the nature of life and is a go-to for me. The poem was written by LR Knost, the award-winning author, feminist, and social justice activist.
Today's blog post is a simple reminder that some days will be great, some not so great, and some downright awful. And in LR's words: "That's just living. Heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful." I hope you find as much inspiration in this poem as I have throughout the years. Print it off, stick it on your fridge, or dashboard, or front door. Keep it visible, as a reminder, that you have exactly what it takes to get through anything life throws at you. Thanks for reading.  Striving to be happy and fulfilled is not just something that has been focused on in the literature in the last 100 years. The study of happiness and well-being dates back as far as 300 B.C.
Aristotle was one of the first philosophers who was deeply engaged in the process of contemplating what the good life meant and how it revealed itself in multiple different forms in the human experience. The term 'Eudaimonia' was the Greek word used to describe the state of condition of the ‘good spirit'. In its simplest form, the word eudaimonia was often taken to mean happiness. Projecting forward to modern times, for the good spirit to be experienced with consistency, certain conditions must be met if human flourishing is to be realized and experienced in a person’s life. According the the work of well-known researchers, Deci and Ryan (Self-Determination Theory): "Well-being is not so much an outcome or end state as it is a process of fulfilling or realizing one’s daimon or true nature—that is, of fulfilling one’s virtuous potentials and living as one was inherently intended to live." Prior to the 90's, traditional psychology, for the most part, had always focused on what wasn’t working with humans. Enter Dr. Martin Seligman on the scene. He was one of the first clinical psychologists to get fed up with the field of psychology focusing on the misery of the human condition. Therefore, he took it upon himself to challenge the predominant way of thinking in his field. Throughout the second half of his career, he ended up flipping the traditional paradigm of psychology on its head by developing the Positive Psychology movement. Since the inception of this framework in 1998, the Positive Psychology movement has focused on studying well-being instead of unhappiness, accomplishment instead of failure, and strength instead of sickness. Seligman’s hope was that psychology could become less fixated on neuroses, less dependent on medication and, altogether, a much more useful approach to life. To this end, Seligman and his team created the PERMA model which represents, what they believe to be, the five core elements of happiness and well-being. Here is what each letter of the acronym stands for: P-Positive Emotions E- Engagement R- Relationships M- Meaning A-Accomplishments The PERMA model can be used as an excellent reflective tool for all people to assess, to what degree, they are experiencing well-being and flourishing in their own life. The PERMA model can be a great starting point to address a person's levels of well-being and flourishing in order to focus on the actionable steps needed to live with more fulfillment. Bearing this in mind, how might you rank yourself on a scale of 1-10 based on the questions below? (1 means extremely low, 10 means extremely high)
Your 1-10 rating for each question above should provide you with some initial data to reflect on. If you ranked yourself lower in any of these areas, it is OK as most people do. This process is not about self-judgement but more so about curiosity. To take it one step further, you can reflect more deeply on the following: P- What 20-25% of experiences bring you most of your positive emotions? E- What 2-3 activities in your life bring you the deepest flow states? R- What 20-25% of the relationships in your life bring you most fulfillment? M- What activities allow you to feel as though you are truly contributing to something larger than yourself? A- What 2-3 accomplishments could bring you maximum satisfaction over the next few months or upcoming year? And finally, after answering the above questions, you can use the PERMA model to begin to zero in on what you need to do more of or less of to create more fulfillment in your life. Try doing both steps above to see what you come up with and how it might get you to reflect differently on your life. Happy to chat with anyone wanting to dig deeper into the themes or ideas that are revealed to you through this process. *Special note* This is purely a thought activity. It's not meant to be a cure for any diagnosed mental illness. Instead, it is a reflective tool to initiate thought about what is possible in your life. Comment below for a follow up discussion with me. Thanks for reading.  Photo Credit: https://www.relicsworld.com/seth-godin/leadership-is-the-art-of-giving-people-a-platform-for-spreading-ideas-author-seth-godin I recently listened to Seth Godin’s latest podcast Creating the Conditions for Change. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Seth’s work, he is a world-renowned blogger, best-selling author, entrepreneur and speaker. For years he has been trying to inspire people by teaching them how to level up their game in order to have the impact they desire.
His thought-provoking ideas have changed the way many people think about marketing and leadership. Seth firmly believes that leaders need to honor their peoples’ time because it’s a precious commodity that should be prioritized. If people are going to do great work, they need time to do it. Seth challenges leaders to think about the meetings they hold and to consider looking at these gatherings differently. He defines a meeting as: “Somebody in the organization who has power, insisting on people coming together, so they can tell these people what they need to do or to share information with them .” Rather, he challenges leaders to do the above only when it’s absolutely necessary. Seth believes it’s the leaders role to facilitate important conversations that bring people together to learn, share, and contribute. It’s not about the leader being the only knowledge authority in the room. What he says is this: “Our gatherings should allow for people to engage with one another, go back and forth, learn from one another, and share.” Leaders can learn a hell of a lot from those who they lead if they zip it and listen. Of course there are times when leaders must share information, but the first thing they should do is assess just how important the message is. If it’s not an absolute priority, Seth implores leaders to send the message in a memo rather than talk at their people. Creating the conditions for this type of culture in the workplace allows people to know that they matter. It reinforces that their time is respected as is the contribution that they bring to the organization. It also shifts the sole responsibility of being the only knowledge authority in the room off the leader's shoulders and let’s people know that they all play a very important role in the vision and direction of the organization. If you are a leader who is responsible for bringing people together, how do you ensure that your gatherings are more of an 'engage and interact style' rather than a 'sit and listen style'? Thanks for reading.  Photo Credit: https://blog.rescuetime.com/time-management-quotes/ I had a conversation recently with a friend who was sharing their excitement about a new job they are soon starting up. This person is very talented and has worked extremely hard to deepen their own learning and skillset over the years. With their new job comes much greater responsibility as they are overseeing the development of many people under them.
During the conversation, we further unpacked the role of their job and what some of their hopes were in moving forward. Although this person has a clear vision of what it is they would like to focus on, they are unclear of the actual goals that need to be set now to get them to the place that they want to be down the road, in regards to the impact that they would like to have. One of the things that this person feels they must prioritize is blocking off time to do deep work each day. Time needed to invest in thinking, planning, processing and better understanding the complexities of their new role in the greater scope of the organization. Even though they understand that making this time sacred is critically important to their success within the new role, they are concerned that it may seem to be a selfish move. What might other’s think of them wanting to have this uninterrupted time to work independently on their own each day. Might it be perceived that they are not a team player? My advice to this person was based on something I once heard. Such valuable advice it was. “Saying no to others means saying yes to our own priorities and what matters most.” Gracefully being able to say no establishes our own boundaries. And with these boundaries comes the opportunity to focus on the deep work needed to be intentional, precise, and purposeful in our actions as leaders. Blocking off time to do our own deep work will make us better at what we do. It allows us to clearly break down bigger goals into achievable micro-goals each day. It allows us to process and prioritize what’s on our plates. As well, it strengthens our ability to deepen focus and with this focus comes clarity. I often ask leaders that I coach this question: To what extent do you have the autonomy needed to block off time in your schedule to do deep work? Although most of them say they have the freedom to build this time into their schedule, many of them don’t actually do it. There are many reasons for it, but one of the biggest ones is fear of being judged by others. The fear of looking selfish or to be seen as taking advantage of the autonomy that their leadership position provides them. Leaders are facing greater amounts of information and complexity than ever before. Therefore, setting boundaries must be prioritized when it comes to their time. Doing the deeper work needed to be impactful requires this time. Time to think, learn, plan, pivot, and prioritize the next steps needed to be put into action in order to do their jobs well. So, as you reflect on your own leadership role, here are two questions for you to consider: How much uninterrupted time do you have each day for this work? How important is it to you to block off time to do deeper work in order to help you be more impactful in your role? Remember that saying ‘no’ to others is actually saying yes to the things that matter most in regards to your own role and responsibilities. So, I hope you are blocking off time for uninterrupted deep work in your weekly routine. Thanks for reading.  In order to do great work, we must deepen our ability to focus exclusively on whatever it is we are doing. This seems so obvious, right?
As sensory overload shrivels our ability to direct available attention where it needs to be, one of the biggest challenges we face is to not only build the skill of focus, but to also improve our ability to ignore irrelevant stimuli. Neuroscience research indicates that ignoring irrelevant stimuli is a very active process taking place in the brain. And that it requires a lot of cognitive energy. The greater the distraction, the more cognitive energy required to ignore it. With increased cognitive energy being directed toward ignoring irrelevant stimuli, there is much less bandwidth to actually focus with clarity and precision on the task at hand. Bearing this in mind, it's not only about deepening our focus, but also about creating the conditions necessary to be able to ignore distractions. So, how might we learn to better ignore distractions? Declutter, declutter, declutter, and declutter! If you were to look at your own workspace, how organized is it? How easily can you reach for your headphones or grab your favorite pen? I'm certainly no expert at keeping my own space neat and tidy! I can vividly recall many times in the past, the impact that a cluttered working space had on my ability to be productive. For example, reaching for my headphones that are tucked on the shelf behind me. As I try to get them, I realize the chord is caught between a pile of papers, a magazine and an old coffee cup. As I try to pull the headphones toward me, everything goes crashing to the floor. In frustration, I untangle the chord and reach down to pick up the papers, magazine, and coffee cup. The result? Not only am I cursing myself, I'm also experiencing massive spikes in cortisol, adrenaline, and cognitive load. Not a great way to stay focused on the original task I was trying to do. The evidence is very clear on this. The more easily retrievable something is, the better. The more organized and efficient your space is, the less there is required to ignore. The brain, at a subconscious level, picks up everything around it. Meaning that the disorganization and clutter is very taxing on the brain. In order to perform at our best and be as productive as possible, it is worth our time and energy to redesign our workspace, declutter it, and have only the essentials on hand. Again, all of this seems so obvious, but the hardest part is to take consistent action to declutter. Decluttering physically is also an act of decluttering mentally. And as world renowned consultant and author Marie Kondo says: "The space in which we live and work should be for the person we are becoming now, not for the person we were in the past." I still have a way to go in my own life when it comes to decluttering, but in knowing how important it is, I'm definitely prioritizing it. What about you? Thanks for reading folks.  We all experience time pressure in our lives that can inevitably result in a feeling of being rushed. As we think of all the tasks that we have to do, it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that there simply isn’t enough time to finish everything. This perception of not having enough time can often lead to a sense of helplessness or overwhelm that literally paralyzes us from taking action. Researchers call it ‘task paralysis’ which is a freeze in motivation that may result in procrastination and task avoidance caused by our ever-looming to-do list. I’ve come across lots of different people who approach their to-do lists very differently. Some wake up and just know what they need to do. Their to-do list is in their heads and they tackle one task at a time until they go home and start the next day doing the same. Other people write their to-do list either before going to bed or when waking up in the morning. Perhaps it’s on a sticky note or, in some cases, in a journal or note pad, or on their device. Despite having to-do lists, what percentage of tasks actually get done, on average, each day? According to a Huffington News report, approximately 66% of professionals write to-do lists on a daily basis but only 59% of these tasks ever get done, leaving a 41% average of uncompleted tasks each day. Why might this be? One of the main reasons why is that many people do not spend enough time truly prioritizing what needs to be done each day. They have no filtering system to assess the level of urgency with these tasks which can lead to a feeling that everything is urgent. Like a big tangled ball of tasks needing to be done. To avoid this, we can take action to change this immediately. If you are a person who feels overwhelm to due time pressure, below are two things you might consider doing. Night Time Routine: Invest 5-10 minutes of quiet time each night to not only write out a to-do list, but to ask yourself: What is the urgency of doing this tomorrow? When you ask yourself this question you are essentially assessing the urgency of the task. This strategy can help you to better create your to-do lists for each day. Why do it at night? The latest neuroscience research suggests that doing this at night unloads our subconscious of worry and anxiety related to the things we have to do the next day. The act of writing it down reduces cognitive load which can result in a better sleep. And who doesn't love a good night's sleep? :) Eisenhower Decision-Making Matrix: Before Dwight Eisenhower took the office of President of the United States, he was a general in the United States Army. He had to continuously make difficult decisions in regards to the tasks he had to focus on each day. This led him to create the Eisenhower principle which helped him to assess the urgency and importance of the tasks he faced each day. It was later called the Eisenhower Decision-Making Matrix and he brought it with him into his presidency. Many people still use this matrix today to help them prioritize the tasks they need to complete each day. Here it is:  As you can see from the matrix below, you can use it as a mechanism to make better quality decisions about what goes on your to-do list and what doesn’t each day. A simple, yet powerful tool to vet your decision-making.
In summary, if you are on top of your daily to-do list and are among the few who actually complete everything on the list, great job. Keep up whatever it is you are doing. If not, you may think about approaching your daily tasks differently and see what kind of success you have. Thanks for reading. |
AuthorKAUST Faculty, Pedagogical Coach. Presenter & Workshop Leader.IB Educator. #RunYourLife podcast host. Archives
May 2022
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